Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Just How Much Is $500 Million Worth?

I'm finally out of my China jet lagged induced state which was only exacerbated by immediately flying across the country to my hometown San Francisco to adjust to yet another time zone. But alas I'm back in the country! And here's what I returned home to...

The day I flew in last week to see the fam, my mother (God love her) announced that she had found my "soul mate" - a thrice divorced multi-zillionaire with three kids he never sees and a minor drinking problem. But, he's worth $500 million so what's the rub? Uh yeah... hmm. Not being one to prioritize a man's fiscal resume (but also not being one to turn down $500 million if the guy is perfect), I was none-too-pleased with this arrangement. We'll call him Mr. $500 Million, shall we?

(Footnote: yes, I was slightly hurt by the fact that my mums thought this was a good match. I know I've finally reached my early 30s and am still single dash unmarried, but is this what it's come down to? I think not, but she has good intentions nonetheless and who doesn't want their daughter to marry Prince Charming?)

Anyway, that night we headed to our favorite Italian restaurant and lo and behold he was sitting at the bar (see above: "minor drinking problem"). Within minutes, Mr. $500 Million was sitting at our table ordering pasta and a big ol' bottle of wine. Within two hours, we were all at his mansion on the hill singing karaoke on a gigantic flat screen TV. I was extremely annoyed but I wasn't one to be the buzz kill. Mid-song during "We Wish You a Merry Christmas," Mr. $500 Million decided to give us a tour of his "house." It lasted about an hour, because there were that many rooms (all of which were empty and barren, sadly to say). When we reached the poolside part of the tour, I suddenly realized that I was alone with the richest man in SF. How did this happen? Did my mother scurry away my dad and co. so we could have some "alone time"? Grrrrr. Within moments, Mr. $500 Million lunged towards me using those personally-trained $500 million legs, and I was off and running. I may not have a trainer myself, but I can run Lola run and indeed I RAN! Well, he could run too, because he chased me around his pool for about three minutes under a fake blue moon, disco ball, and painted flamingos (not the decor I would have chosen had I been given the chance to spend all his millions). As I was running by the window in front of his pool I could see my parents and nana singing with his friends, my "help!" only to be muffled by the sounds of their joyous karaoke. 

Well, it was only a matter of time before I would twist my ankle and nearly fall into his pool. However, as fairy tales go, he "caught" me (or, rather, "caught UP" to me). He threw his arms around me, and before I had a chance to sock him in the mouth, he sighed:

"Hold me. Just hold me. I just want to be held."

Sigh indeed. 

At this point, I just felt sorry for him so, yes, I held him for about a minute. "It's alright, there there now, do you want me to tuck you in or something, there there now?"

No, he did not want that because as I was forming those words he went in for the kiss which I rebuked just in time. So not cool. Was it all just an act to get a kiss and a grope? SO NOT COOL. 

The fam and I left shortly thereafter. On our ride down the hill, we all got in a good giggle no doubt. 

But, it did make me wonder... how much is $500 million worth? To me, it's worth very little if all one has to show for it is three divorces, children you don't see, a major (not minor) drinking problem, and a very big house with nothing in it, not even photographs, no not even air. It was... lifeless. HE was lifeless (despite the fact he could run fast as hell). 

More than what it's worth to me though (because I know where I stand), what is it worth to him? Is it really worth everything he's got which, suffice it to say, is not a hell of a lot? Just how much is $500 million worth to someone who has it at the expense of everything else??? I'll never know, because perhaps Mr. $500 Million is still trying to figure out the answer to that question himself.

1 comment:

  1. It's a good thing you ran track in your youth, huh? ;-) I'm glad you escaped with your dignity and a clear perspective on the situation. All that glitters...